


Spells To Bring You Back

by sunsetlance



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, F/M, Happy Hogan is a Good Bro, Pepper Potts Is Trying Her Best, Pepper Potts Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-15
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2020-05-12 05:31:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19222594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunsetlance/pseuds/sunsetlance
Summary: Pepper is poisoned with thoughts of "if she had been faster, just a fraction of a second faster, he could still be here" after Tony's death.





	Spells To Bring You Back

**Author's Note:**

> beta read by the lovely dian!
> 
> this is my first marvel fic here and technically my first proper fic as well so feedback is welcome and encouraged :]

Pepper moves faster than she thinks she has in her entire life, her heart is beating out of her chest so fast she thinks it might have stopped. But she doesn't stop. Worry is etched into every corner of her face; lips pulled taunt, eyebrows furrowed, eyes biting back tears. He's going to make it, he has to. She thinks–no, she's sure that everything will come crashing down around her if he doesn't.

She straightens her face as she touches the ground, mask retracting within seconds. She straightens her back and levels her gaze, she's decided she has to be strong for him. Peter moves but she barely registers him, she doesn't register Thor, Steve and Rhodey all hovering around either. She's hyperfocused on Tony, they're the only ones there. And he's right there but, God, he looks like Hell. She can barely see the rise and fall of his chest as he breathes but she can see the screams of pain in his eyes as he stares blankly ahead.

She wants to break down, drop to the ground and just sob. Her everything is right in front of her, in the most agony she's seen in years and she can't do anything. Thoughts race through her mind but they come and go so fast she can't register them.

"Hey," her voice is steady, surprising herself, as she speaks. She kneels next to him but he doesn't acknowledge her and she feels something inside of her break, just a little.

"Tony." Still nothing. Her hand rests lightly on his arm, metal clanking together awkwardly and she winces inwardly.

"Look at me." His head turns, but it's slow and awkward. She bites back tears again when he finally realizes it's her that's next to him. His eyes speak a thousand words that say he's too tired and too hurt to speak them and no, no no _no_. This isn't right, this can't be it. This can't be real.

She swallows hard. "We're going to be okay." His eyes lose focus and the hand that had softly cupped her own hand falls limp, her left arm now bracing his left arm. At least the trembling has finally ceased. She can feel his reactor losing heat beneath her hand. "You can rest now."

She presses her lips to his cheek and they're still warm enough that she can pretend it's all okay, that he's still alive. She lingers before pulling away. Her eyes scan over his face as if she's hoping his eyes will come to life again, that his hand will cup hers again. _Anything_.

When there's nothing she let's out the sobs that have been building up and pushes her forehead into his suit. Cold metal greets her skin and she wishes so desperately that it were the fabric of his sleep shirt, or the grey of their sheets, or the warmth of his skin. Anything but metal, cold and rough. Unforgiving.

She's eventually pried away from him and she thinks she thrashes, screaming for Tony for half a second but she isn't quite sure. Everything is muddy and confusing and all she knows is that her heart is breaking right in two as all she sees is Tony dead. Someone picks him up and she thinks she screams _no!_ but then he's so close she can see his features again but she's turned around so she's not being dragged backwards, tripping over her own feet and her heart breaks in two again as he's ripped from her sight.

All she sees is someone's retreating backside (is that Steve?) and Tony's red armour.

────────

Pepper stares at her reflection in the window and sighs. Morgan runs up to her, pulling her from her thoughts and hugs at her legs. A soft smile tugs at Pepper's lips as she picks her up. She makes her way to the end of the pier slowly, letting people greet her and give their respects.

She's not fully there and she knows that some of the people there can see it but she can't be bothered to hide it. Instead, she pulls Morgan closer to her chest and kisses her on the forehead.

When the ceremony begins she's barely holding back tears, almost stumbling through her eulogy but she manages to keep her chin up and her voice strong. The papers shake with her hands and she presses them into the podium, trying to force her heart to calm down.

Then she's back on the edge of the pier, watching his arc reactor move along, enveloped by gentle waves and carried along by soft winds. She lets a tear slip through her lashes as she watches it go. Then that sparks a thought and now she's itching to move.

 _What if she had been just a minute faster, gotten to Tony and fixed the damn thing like she did all those years ago_.

And fuck, now she can't stop thinking about it. She simmers over it as they listen to Tony's recording, her attention primarily focused on the voice of Tony filtering through his helmet.

She can't help the few tears that slip through in the end though, and she lets out a weak laugh, wiping at her face as she hugs Morgan to her again. She watches as Morgan wanders off to Peter, who picks her up excitedly and immediately puts on a brave smile for her and Pepper feels her heart warm. If only Tony could see this.

Right, Tony.

Finding Happy is easy enough as she pulls him to the side, away from prying ears and wandering eyes. He gives her a questioning look and she waves it off for a second. "I need you to..look after Morgan for a while for me. I need some time to figure something out, something that's been eating at me since he–” her voice chokes up, "since he's gone. I'll be in his lab, if you need me or if Morgan decides she wants to see me. Can you do that for me? I know it's a lot to ask but–"

She doesn't get to finish, her voice trailing up with the slightest note of hysteria, before Happy interjects. "I'll do it, Pep. Don't worry about it, I'll take care of her. But what are you going to be doing?"

Pepper hesitates for a moment. "Just...trying out some stuff Tony had planned on experimenting with." Talking about Tony in the past tense feels so _wrong_ and she sounds unsure even to herself and curses it but Happy lets it slide with a nod. She gives him a smile of thanks before rushing off, gathering her hair into a knot as she makes her way down to his lab.

Everything is exactly as he left it the night he left for the Avengers Compound. She doesn't know what she expected but it makes her stop dead in her tracks. Tears prick at her eyes again but she shakes them off, heading straight for his workbench.

She stares at the project sitting on the table before moving it and collecting scrap metal and bits and pieces of old, new and prototype arc reactor parts. She lays it all out and grabs a few blank sheets of paper, jotting down every last thing she can remember about Tony's reactor.

She doesn't know how much time has passed but her feet ache against the wooden floor and her fingers are cold against the metal. She's finally pieced together the arc reactor frame when she looks up and realizes a day has passed. The sun is setting again.

She wipes her brow, grabs one of the orange slices from the bowl of fruit Happy brought down to her sometime yesterday and chews on it. "Hey, Friday what time is it?"

Silence answers her. That's when it hits her. Friday shut down with Tony's reactor. The realization does nothing except make her feel heavier and more alone. She shrugs it off, refusing to let anything interrupt her work and ditches the arc reactor for the time being, new project in mind. She finds the main framework for Friday fast enough, and she's seen Tony enable, disable, decode, code and play around with the computer enough to know exactly where to look and what to do. She pulls her phone out of her pocket, getting the smallest bit of grease on it and pulls up anything and everything she has that has Tony's voice recorded.

Her eyes travel to his helmet, which sits next to her own purple one. She stands slowly and makes her way over to it, picking it up delicately and cradling it in her arms. She presses a light kiss to it. "I miss you. You'd probably be overjoyed at how well Peter, Morgan and Harley all got along. I'm turning into you. I've been in this lab for two days without being one step out of the door. You want to know why?" she knows it's ridiculous to be talking to a helmet but she can't help herself. "Because you have always been my inspiration to do better, to push myself and you. You're my whole world, Tony–" her voice breaks and quiets considerably, "–my whole world."

She brings it over to the computer and spends the next day or so inputting Tony's voice into the system and disconnecting it from the arc reactor-like system in the computer, instead connecting it to everything else. She finishes within a week (Happy said as much) and sits back in the chair that Happy brought her at some point.

Now is the moment of truth. "Tony?"

"Hey, Peps," his voice is clear as day and it's like he was never gone.

 _"Oh, my God,"_ Pepper almost falls to the ground, tears wrack her body and she whimpers. She thinks her heart is going to stop right then and there. It sounds like he's right next to her, alive. She feels her heart break again and again and again.

"Angel, why are you crying?" Pepper almost chokes on her tears when she hears his voice call her "angel" for the first time in weeks. "I love you, Peps."

This time she really does fall to the floor, hand clasped over her mouth in a desperate attempt to quiet her sobs. This is all she ever wanted, for him to be with her again. She just wants to hold his hand over Morgan's back while they watched movies, wants to see his soft smile again.

She pulls herself up and wipes furiously at her eyes, determination etched in her face. She picks the arc reactor up again, placing it on the workbench. She pulls mindlessly at the strands of hair that fell out of her ponytail, which now droops against her neck, before taking out the band and tying it up again.

She grips the screwdriver a little too tightly as she pries the flat end into the framework, popping the thin sheet of glass-like metal out so she can thread the wiring throughout. She slides the metal sheet back in and connects the wires to Dum-E, who's sitting in a corner, abandoned.

Nothing happens and she curses, quickly disconnecting the wires as carefully as she can and brings it back to the work bench. She doesn't know how many times she moves from Dum-E to the work bench, hands flitting over metal, wires and fruit that Happy and Morgan bring down occasionally.

She knows it's been a while since she first came down (Happy had said something along the lines of _"It's been two months, Pepper. Give it a rest. Morgan misses you, I'm worried about you, Peter and Harley have things they need your help with. Steve came by earlier. He wanted to check on you. He stood at the door for three hours before deciding to just leave because you didn't notice him, you didn't even look up."_ but she doesn't remember how long ago that was) but she can't bring herself to move away from the workbench.

She has to know if she could have saved him, if she had been even a fraction of a second faster would she have been able to keep his reactor from turning off. There's a desperate edge to her movements, her hands moving frantically she tries to do everything at once.

 _'Faster. Should have been faster,'_ her mind races. _'God_ damn _it, Pepper.'_

"Could have been faster, if I had moved faster," she doesn't know when she started talking out loud but she barely hears herself. Her blood is rushing in her ears and she's babbling before she knows it. "God, if you had moved faster you _idiot,_ he would be here, you could have fixed his reactor you could have stopped him from dying you could have saved him you've done it before why couldn't you do it again–"

"Fuck!" she curses as she fumbles the reactor and it crashes to the ground, shattering, "No. No, no, no! Fuck–no, please, no, not now–I'm so close–Tony could be– fuck, no, no no no no no _–_ please, please, _ _please–__ " there's whispers of a sorry in her senseless rambling, filled with pleas of remorse and contrition.

She drops to her knees, desperately grabbing and sweeping at the pieces on the floor and some are just out of reach and she can't stop thinking _he's dead because she wasn't fast enough_ and her heart is beating out of her chest, she can't breathe and her cheeks are painted with tears and oh, God was the room always so fucking _cold._ She feels like she could freeze, but she doesn't know if she's shaking because of the cold or because of the guilt that builds and builds and builds in her and she doesn't know how long she's on the floor sobbing for but her hair is slipping down again and her fingers are ice cold.

She looks up and she swears, she swears she sees Tony, with his stupid cocky grin he puts on for the media, his sunglasses sitting on the top of his head, in an old t-shirt and jeans and ruffled, unkempt hair and it's so simple but he looks _so_ _good_ and oh God, he's right there.

She reaches for Tony and _he's right. There._ But then he's not and another sob chokes itself out of her, the tips of her fingers cold like a ghost passed through them. She just wants to feel him again, press her finger pads into the dip in the small of his back, smell that ever lingering scent of slightly rusted metal and coffee, press her lips into his soft, ungelled hair. She wraps her arms around herself trying to stop the shaking and bring back some warmth but without Tony it's so cold, so damn cold.

The watch around her wrist, the one that belonged to Tony, presses into the skin of her arm and it's the only thing she can feel–the only lingering feeling of Tony she has on her person–and a new wave of tears start.

She doesn't know how long she's on the floor hugging herself, shaking and sobbing but she distantly registers who she thinks is Happy pulling her up off the floor and up the steps and there are mumbles of protest from her but she doesn't resist.

She feels the bed under her hands but the mattress isn't soft and the blankets don't feel like _home_. Nothing is home without Tony. Everything feels off but she lets Happy tuck her in and she feels something soft pressed against her and when she breathes in it's the familiar smell of rusted metal and coffee and she can finally feel herself calming down.

"I'm sorry," her voice breaks with her heart and fresh tears slip down her face. A hand finds its way to her hair and it feels just like Tony's–calloused from years of tinkering but warm and gentle and motivated in every movement.

"It's not your fault. There's nothing you could have done." It's the AI she programmed that echoes through the room, she knows it is, but if she closes her eyes for just a moment Happy turns into Tony and everything is fine again. He's there with her and she's fine again. And as she (in all protest) finds herself drifting she knows she'll be okay with time, because she might not have Tony but she has everything he left behind for her, the world that he built around her remains, and everywhere she looks she sees him and one day that won't bring heartbreak but warmth, as she recounts his–no, _their_ stories to Morgan.


End file.
